


What If

by suzukia



Category: ONE OK ROCK
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M, TW Suicide mention, takes place in 2021, tw alcohol abuse, tw depression, tw drug abuse, tw self harm, tw suicidal tendencies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 20:34:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11539947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suzukia/pseuds/suzukia
Summary: 4 years after ONE OK ROCK's disbandment in 2017, Toru visits the former vocalist of his band after having cut ties with him a long time ago. Encountering a broken person that is only a mere shadow of the ray of sunshine he used to know, he realises that some things can never be fixed again.PLEASE read the trigger warnings I tagged this fic with!! If you are in ANY WAY sensitive to ANY of these things, then PLEASE continue with caution!!





	What If

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wanted to dedicate this fic to Julia (strawberrycream_teller) because she literally had to put up with all my shit during the writing process, but it felt wrong to gift such an angsty work to her when all she's ever been asking for was happy fluff lol. Still, thank you for having endured all my tears. ❤︎
> 
> There may be a few grammatical errors in this, I hope they're not too bad.

It smelled like mould as Toru entered the unfamiliar apartment using a key he thought he’d never take out of the drawer he had placed it in years ago after having considered its shiny surface for several minutes, maybe hours. The memory of that moment was blurry, unclear, he'd erased most of it from his mind but he could still remember how he had felt, sitting on his bed, eyes swollen, fingers shaking. It had been one of the hardest decisions he had ever had to make and it had been ironic enough that not using the key had, in the end, locked away all those long passed days.  
  
He had received the white envelope on a Wednesday, four years ago. Toru remembered picking it up from the floor, no sender being mentioned on the white paper, not even a stamp in the top corner. Just his name that had messily been written across the object in a handwriting Toru couldn’t bear looking at for longer than 5 seconds. There had only been the silver key inside the envelope with a white post-it being attached to it. An address had been written on it in the same sloppy handwriting, the few symbols immediately burning into Toru’s memory though he had known he’d have no usage for that piece of information anyway. Below the address had been one more word standing against the light background in its dark ink. The character’s lines crooky as if the one writing them had been shaking.  
  
_“Please_.”  
  
Four years ago on a Wednesday. The weather had been sunny, the woman on the news channel had been wearing a blue jacket and Toru had not had breakfast that day because he had overslept. He could still remember all those details, every ever so small thing that had happened on the day he had received the envelope on which only his name had been displayed.  
  
Four years ago on a Wednesday had been the last time he had heard anything from Taka.  
  
Toru hissed under his breath as he hit something with his foot and was glad he had decided against taking his shoes off because despite the lights being dimmed, one could still vaguely see various outlines of objects lying all spread in the hallway and that he definitely did not want to step in. Toru fought against the urge of holding his nose due to the almost unbearable smell that he knew was already crawling into his clothes.  
  
The former guitarist hadn’t actually expected himself to ever meet Taka again after everything that had happened, so standing here now where the address he had received four years ago had lead him, was indeed a situation Toru had never dared to dream of.  
  
The blinds in the living room were closed, only a small ray of sunshine that found its way through the slit between the thick fabric illuminated the room, exposing a figure lying on the sofa, no blanket covering their skinny body. Toru saw pizza boxes being scattered on the floor, some of them empty, some of them not. Endless instant noodle packages added up to the mess in the room and from what Toru could see there were bottles lying everywhere. He was well aware they were probably all bottles of heavy alcohol.  
  
After ONE OK ROCK’s disbandment, he hadn’t met up with Taka, he had not even properly talked to him anymore. They had common acquaintances, he had known about Taka’s condition for awhile now but none of the news had made him search for the letter he had received on that particular Wednesday to finally drive up to the address he had been given.  
  
“Taka?” he asked, approaching the sofa. Toru felt himself stepping into something soft but tried not to think about it any further or else he might throw up. He was still contemplating whether having come here had been the right decision, he had nothing to do with the other’s life anymore after all, but now he was here, already at a point of no return. Even Taka’s name tasted unfamiliar on his tongue, the syllables twisting it in a way Toru had not experienced in a long long time as he had erased every moment in which he had felt it falling from his lips from his memory. Or had at least tried his best to do so.  
  
The person on the sofa did not move and it was so dark in the room, Toru could not even tell for sure if they were even breathing.  
  
“Takahiro?” he asked again, the full name feeling even weirder, and flinched when a voice answered him completely unexpectedly.  
  
“Don’t you dare taking my name into your mouth, Toru.” Toru stood there in silence, processing what he had heard. The words themselves and with how much hate and despite they had been directed at him hadn’t even surprised him that much, he had not come here and expected Taka to wrap his arms around his neck. Having such a harmonic atmosphere between them was more than unrealistic. No, it had been how the voice itself sounded that made him hold his breath. It lacked strength, sounded raw. Toru knew exactly how Taka sounded like after waking up, but this wasn’t it, this was different. If he hadn’t had Taka’s voice around him for years, Toru couldn’t even have guaranteed that he had been able to identify who was talking to him from the shadows in the first place. He swallowed.  
  
“I thought you were sleeping,” he said, attentively watching Taka because he did not want to miss the slightest movement from the person who resembled the man he had once shared everything with so much. However, the petite figure didn’t stir.  
  
“I haven’t slept for days. I wish I could though. Just close my eyes and forget about reality for a few hours. But what do you care.” The voice sounded nothing like Taka, only if one listened closely enough a few accordances could be shown but even after having spent the majority of his life by Taka’s side, Toru found it hard to believe this actually was his former vocalist talking to him. This was miles away from the voice that had once filled arenas and stadiums everywhere in Japan.  
  
“But maybe I’m dreaming right now, there’s no way Toru Yamashita would come into my cave after all this time, right?” Taka sounded so far away, as if only his body was here with Toru while his mind went places.  
  
“I’m opening the curtains,” Toru said, not paying any more attention to Taka’s words. It wasn’t as if he’d been oblivious to how often Taka had tried to reach out to him. Quite the opposite actually. With every step the elder had taken towards him, Toru had taken one backwards.  
  
The fabrics felt heavy in his hands as he pushed them apart, revealing a dirty window that had probably been cleaned last months ago and behind which lay the view of a quarter of Tokyo Toru would never have gone to out of free will. He did not think twice before opening the window, letting some fresh summer air into the room. Not that the circulation outside was much better but he still preferred it over the musty smell in Taka’s apartment.  
  
Toru froze as he turned around again, now able to take in the actual extent of the mess. He had seen most of the objects’ outlines before but realising how many things had been hidden in the shadows too made him hold his breath. There were the empty food boxes of course, also slices of pizza and other fast food lying on the floor their age Toru did not dare to think about. They mainly covered the area around the sofa so this was most likely where Taka spent the majority of his time at. Nails had once been hammered into the naked wall, the frames that had originally hung on them now scattered on the ground, their broken glass reaching the middle of the dirty red carpet that had once been bought by Toru himself. He had a vague idea who those pictures showed but was too scared to check, let alone ask.  
  
In front of the brown leather sofa stood a small glass table that was at least equally dirty as the window had been. Countless bottles of cheap liquor were lined on top of it, most of them empty, soon finding their way to the floor where the older bottles lay, their existence long forgotten. An overfilled ashtray had been positioned between them, the buds falling off its edges. Taka had taken a smoke with Toru occasionally but the amount of cigarettes displayed in front of his very eyes now was assumingly more than twice as much as Toru had given Taka throughout the last years of their career.  
  
What caught Toru’s attention besides the immense amount of smoked cigarettes were the syringes that lay in between the mess on the table in a pool of brown powder. Toru wasn’t stupid, he knew this was no medicine.  
  
“Ah, I guess I’m not dreaming after all. In my dreams you don’t look so shocked.”  
  
“What the fuck is this mess?” Toru asked, completely ignoring Taka’s comment as he watched him sit up on the sofa that had once stood in their own apartment a long time ago. Every crease and scar in the dark leather was still so present in Toru’s memories, he could probably have drawn a picture of them. So much time had gone by as they had sat on it, doing nothing, just enjoying each other’s company. Remembering those moments now was weird and felt as if they came from another universe.  
  
Toru’s eyes widened as he caught sight of Taka, finally entirely exposed to the daylight. The man in front of him was only a mere shadow of who he used to be. Long curls fell into Taka’s face, almost covering half of it, yet unable to hide the dark circles underneath his eyes that looked at Toru so dull and lifeless it pressed the air out of his lungs. Taka had always had a rather petite figure, ever since Toru could remember, but never before had he seen his cheekbones stand out underneath pale skin to this extent. Taka was wearing a grey pullover and Toru feared that if the other took if off every ever so small bone would be visible to the world. He remembered Taka being extremely insecure about his physical appearance wherefore he had preferred oversized clothes most of the time. Yet looking at Taka, it was pretty obvious that everything he wore would count as oversized now.  
  
“Why do you care?” Pushing a few strands from his forehead, Taka revealed a bony wrist where his sleeve rucked up before turning towads Toru, taking in his appearance. It had been years since their last encounter and after ONE OK ROCK’s disbandment Toru had closed his Instagram account as well which was why Taka had not had the slightest idea of what the younger had been doing in his life anymore, let alone how he even looked like now. Everything had kind of fallen apart after the end of the band. Although the decay of themselves had already started before.  
  
Examining Toru’s looks, the first thing Taka noticed was the short black hair that would now replace the blonde bangs in his imagination. How long had it been since Toru had last worn that look in his presence? 10 years? It suited him, of course it did, everything suited him. It made him look older, more serious to which a pair of glasses that Taka was unfamiliar with added up. Toru had seemingly stopped using contacts now that they didn’t have to visually present themselves anymore.  
  
The rings in his ears were missing now, having been replaced by black studs somewhere in the past, and as if it was to compensate their loss there was something shiny on Toru’s left ring finger now. Taka felt his stomach twitch.  
  
“Who’s the lucky one?” Not understanding what Taka was referring to at first, Toru only blinked a few times in confusion before following the other’s eyes, eventually landing on the jewelry adorning his hand. He actually found himself being surprised at Taka asking about it. Toru would have expected the elder only to ask for the reason of his visit before throwing him out again. This only being one of the friendlier scenarios he was prepared for.  
  
“A woman I met a few months after the band’s disbandment. We got married last year.” The room fell silent for a while. It was probably for only a few seconds but with the tensed atmosphere around them, Taka and Toru both had the impression of wordlessly staring at each other for various minutes. There hung so many unspoken words between them, things neither of them had ever dared to say.  
  
“Is it too late to congratulate yet?”  
  
“You don’t have to, Takahi-”  
  
“Well then, congratulations on finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Great to see that at least one of us has accomplished that.” Toru knew Taka had interrupted him because he had dared to say his name again. Despite it hurting, the former guitarist guessed he deserved at least that much.  
  
“With that aside, why are you here, Toru? What the fuck are you doing in my apartment after years of not giving a shit about me?” Taka said before setting himself in a proper sitting position, looking at Toru through expecting eyes that did not hide their hate. Toru swallowed but wasn’t able to break the eye contact. He had thought this would be easier, not a walk in the park of course, but definitely easier than at what frequency his heart was beating right now as he stood in the middle of Taka’s living room, dirt and garbage all around him. He hadn’t expected to face a Taka that was this wasted and this broken. He had not expected the possibility of having to face emotions he had locked away so long ago.  
  
“I’m moving. Leaving Tokyo. I wanted to tell you personally.” Taka did not respond, only stared at Toru without even the slightest change in his expression. Toru couldn’t even tell whether the elder gave a damn about his whereabouts anymore. So much had happened, so much had fallen apart. He couldn’t stop himself from considering Taka and his thin body that now looked more fragile than Toru could remember ever seeing it. Taka only wore briefs, and although his legs had always looked thin, especially in those skinny jeans he had always loved to wear, Toru only saw now how scrawny they seemed to be. With their pale colour being a heavy contrast to the sofa’s dark brown, he only realised then and there how much weight Taka must have actually lost.  
  
“You came here to tell me that?” Taka asked, patiently waiting for Toru to answer, which he didn’t due to his throat feeling as if someone was choking him. “Toru, you came here after four years of not answering a single one of my calls or texts or anything to tell me you’d be moving away?” The elder’s face darkened, yet he still did not take his eyes off Toru.  
  
“Get lost, Toru. Leave my apartment. Now.” Taka did not even make an attempt at getting up, he just glared at Toru as if that was enough to shoo him away.  
  
“I’m not done yet, Ta-”  
  
“Toru, leave my fucking apartment, I don’t wanna hear your bullshit! You come here after all this time, tell me you’d gotten married and that you’d be moving away as if nothing’s ever happened! Get out!” Taka’s voice broke various times towards the end, the steadiness it once possessed long gone. Toru felt the wind blow through his hair that no longer covered his ears, making him shiver. Not because of the temperature but rather because of the chilling way that Taka looked at him. He had known about his condition, at least partly, but never had he expected to find his former vocalist looking the way he did.  
  
“Taka, you need help, hate me or not, but you need to see someone, look at you, look at your apartment!” Toru had only wanted to tell Taka he'd be gone soon, nothing less and nothing more, but no matter how much he wanted to, he wouldn't be able to ignore the circumstances under which his former vocalist was living. Toru had heard from Ryota and Tomoya how bad Taka was doing, that he'd fallen into depressions and had isolated himself from the outside world, yet Toru hadn't made any attempts to help him. What could he have done anyway, it was too late now. The only thing he was actually good at was running away.  
  
“I don't need you to pity me, not anymore! Don't you have any shame?! Running away and leaving me alone, then coming back as if nothing's ever happened and offering your help?! You fucking bastard, get lost!” Finally Taka got up, finally Toru saw the elder moving around. His legs looked so weak, as if they weren't even able to support him and seriously, Toru wouldn't be surprised if they gave in sooner or later. He just blankly stared at Taka, unable to say anything. The former vocalist was right with everything he said, it all had been Toru's fault and for years he had been running away from that fact.  
  
“What's happened to you?! Don't you see you need help?!” It hadn't been Toru’s intention to raise his voice, especially not in consideration of how bad Taka's condition actually seemed to be, but he feared that the other might not hear him otherwise or would not understand what he was trying to say. Taka's steps towards him were uncoordinated, as if he was still on drugs or alcohol or maybe both, and Toru didn't even dodge the bottle that the elder grabbed before hitting his shoulder with it. It barely hurt, there was almost no strength left inside the other.  
  
“What's happened to me?! You actually have the fucking guts to ask that?!” Taka screamed, throwing the empty bottle against the wall where it broke into tiny shards upon hitting the ground. “I loved you Toru, I fucking loved you with everything I had and you fucking left me! That's what happened, that's what made me the way I am now! Because unlike you, I actually cared about us!” Toru stood frozen to the spot, not being able to form words. He had been running away from this encounter for so long, too scared of being confronted with the mistakes he’d made in the past. He had known that Taka suffered, he had known about his depressions but he still had not done anything. Being too scared of reality.  
  
“Who do you think you are, Toru Yamashita! I called you, I sent you messages, I fucking fought for you, for us, but you did not care, you did nothing!” Taka’s hands touched his chest when he started to push Toru away. They were warm. It sent shivers down Toru’s spine to be so close to the elder again after years of only seeing his face in photographs or in his imagination. There, he was still the always laughing and vibrant vocalist he’d fallen in love with so deeply, the man he’d wanted to have by his side forever. The truth was that Taka now looked so much older, and so tired. This was the man that Toru had held close so many times, the man he’d cried and laughed with and the man he had woken up next to for years of his life.  
  
“You already left me once, so why did you decide to come back?! I know you’ll leave again, of course you will, you’re married, for God’s sake! To a woman, Toru, you married a woman, are you that scared of yourself?!” The weak hands that had previously pushed him now hit Toru’s chest, uncoordinated, just wanting to somehow cause damage, but Toru felt numb to his physical attacks although he was sure his rib cage would feel sore the next day. Taka let out years of frustration and anger, loneliness and betrayal by screaming at him and he had every right to do so. It had been Toru leaving him, not the other way around, because the younger had been too scared of what people would think of them.  
  
Toru was still staring at Taka who had started to cry somewhere during his rage. He did not sob, made no sound of weakness, but those salty tears that dripped down his chin mercilessly spread the truth in front of Toru. He had never forgotten this expression of Taka's, and he had always been aware of the fact that his former vocalist had cried himself to sleep almost on a daily basis after their breakup. There had been voicemails, so endlessly many voicemails.  
  
_“Please...Toru, answer your phone, I beg you.”  
  
__"You cannot ignore me like that, you asshole, don’t I mean anything to you anymore?!”  
  
__"Toru...it’s 2AM, I’m sitting on a rooftop…traffic’s busy tonight…”  
  
_ Slowly, Taka stepped back. “You stopped caring. I can understand, who wouldn’t with a wife and perfectly intact life. I mean look at me, I broke apart.” Swollen eyes looked at Toru, the vibrant life he used to see in them long gone, the deep brown now dull and dead, merely looking into the world for coordination. Not a single day had passed where Toru hadn’t thought of them, their colour and the unique way Taka had looked at him through them wherever they went, whatever they talked about. As if he meant the world to him, as if he was his entire world. Not a single day had passed where he had not thought of Taka.  
  
“I did not. Ever,” Toru said, his voice nothing more than a whisper. Taka’s eyes widened. “I never stopped caring.  
  
“Stop shitting me, Toru, you were the one running off, you were the one leaving me behind. I was ready to risk all of it, my career, my name, everything! But you weren’t, so do not fucking act as if you weren’t at fault now! Because you are!” Taka would actually lose his voice if he kept screaming at Toru who absolutely did not fit into the filthy environment. They were two contrasts. Toru looked neat and clean while Taka looked as if he had completely given up on himself. And again, Toru was too scared to ask if that was the truth.  
  
“I’m not lying. I thought of you, Taka. Every day. Everyday after I woke up I thought of you. Before I went to bed I prayed I would wake up next to you the next morning. I thought of you when I kissed my wife, I thought of you the day I got married. I thought of coming home to you standing in the kitchen, wherever I went I-”  
  
“Shut the fuck up, Toru!” The words had fallen from Toru’s lips so effortlessly after years of not having dared to be spoken out, being locked away in his heart where no one would have ever found them. He flinched when Taka interrupted him. He hadn’t lied, he was here and ready to spit it all out because Taka wasn’t the only one who had suffered and he wanted him to know that. “Stop fucking with me, I’m tired of your fucking lies, I’m tired of listening to your bullshit, fuck off and never come back, do me at least that last favour!” Taka’s words did not match his expression and the way he looked at Toru. The former guitarist had come to know him by heart, had been able to read Taka’s mood just by looking at him. Those brown eyes begged him to stay, pleaded for Toru not to leave him again, and Toru wished he could stay by Taka’s side, wished it more than anything else in the world.  
  
Pulling his phone out, Toru shoved the slim object at Taka who only blinked a few times, not understanding what the younger wanted from him. Toru wouldn’t back off now, not again. Soon he’d be gone, he wanted Taka to finally know everything, the whole truth.  
  
“I thought of you everyday. I’m telling you the truth. I wished to see you again, and I missed you so much, every freaking day. And it got harder and harder, I felt like the more time passed the bigger the distance between us grew. I’ve heard your voicemails, I know them all by heart, they’re burned into my memory. I wanted to call you back, I wanted to see you, I really did, Taka, believe me.” Toru wasn’t crying, not yet, but his voice was shaking and Taka wasn’t sure if ever in his life he’d seen the younger this distraught. He’d tried to hate Toru and what he had done to him, he’d cursed the other so many times over the past years and numbed himself in order to forget him. Nothing had ever worked, nothing had ever made his feelings go away. “I wanted to come to this address the day I received the letter and I wanted to come to see you every time the others told me about your condition. But I just couldn’t do it because so much was happening and I still did not have the goddamn guts. I am so sorry, Taka.”  
  
Taka did not know what to look at, let alone what to say. A part of him wanted to believe everything Toru had said, the part that had been saved by the other back then, that had been loved and caressed by him and had gotten to know his tender side. Another part of Taka was careful and did not trust what Toru had said; the part of him that was broken, the one that had endured all the pain and harm he had inflicted himself with.  
  
With a dry throat Taka looked at Toru who returned his gaze with knitted eyebrows, then at his phone’s display, its light hurting Taka’s eyes that had gotten used to closed blinds. The phone showed Toru’s email account, seemingly his drafts. Taka held his breath and widened his eyes that looked at the black characters through thick tears that blurred his vision.  
  
“I’m sorry, Taka. I am so so sorry, I...couldn’t do it.” The earliest mail dated back to July 2017, around three months after ONE OK ROCK’s disbandment.  
  
_“Taka,  
  
__I dreamt of you today. I dreamt of coming home and almost running into you because you slept in the hallway as you were waiting for me to come back. We were in the house that we had thought of buying last year, before everything happened. The one with the big windows, I’m sure you remember.  
  
__Over the past months I've desperately tried to forget you, I've tried to get over you with everything I had. I know that I have no right to miss you, I have no right to feel bad about our broken relationship. I'm sure you hate me now, and it's okay, you are allowed to do so. But you know, it is hard to erase you from my memory because even after having locked everything that reminded me of us away, you started to appear in my dreams. As if you did not want me to let go. As if you wanted me to suffer from the loss of you. Which I do. Everyday.  
  
__I don’t know why I am writing this. Maybe I'll make this a habit. Writing you I mean. Or writing the ghost of you that still lingers with me. Not having you around feels weird, it’s wrong somehow. You and I...it’s always been us. I fucked up, sometimes”  
  
_ The mail ended there, not having been finished ever since. Taka scrolled through the drafts. There were so many of them, so many “Taka”s, sometimes “Dear Taka”, now and then even “Takahiro”. Toru had started to call him by his given name the last years of their relationship because, as he had said, the person he loved was the man behind the image of ONE OK ROCK's Taka. Taka had melted in Toru's arms whenever he had whispered those four syllables. The usage of his given name had proved their intimacy. Now there was barely any “Takahiro” mentioned in the mails and Taka assumed Toru had not felt like having the right to call him that anymore. He clicked on a mail from October 2017.  
  
_“Good evening, Taka,  
  
__around an hour ago my parents have called, asking what had happened to us. I hadn't told them about our breakup before because I did not want them to worry. My mom loved you so so much, you’ve always been like a son to her. Hearing her cry was the worst, and I myself cannot stop ever since. I have no right to cry, this is my fault after all.”  
  
_ Taka bit his lip as he remembered the kindness of Toru’s parents, how wholeheartedly they had welcomed him into their family when he himself had not had one that had waited for him with open arms. He had spent so many days of his life with the Yamashitas because they had given him a sense of security and just like Toru had said, they too had looked at him as if he'd been their own son. Taka had seen the family he'd marry into in them, he'd imagined Toru’s mother introducing him as her son in law to others and those pictures in his head had been one of the most heartwarming things he had ever thought about. Perfect things that were meant to break apart.  
  
Some drafts had been written on the same day. Taka counted 19 mails from December 7th 2017, the first birthday they’d spent separated from one another. Taka remembered sitting in his living room and staring at his phone when he had weighed whether calling Toru to congratulate him would even cause them any good. He had not expected the younger to answer his call, he had not even been sure if he listened to all the voicemails he left for him in the first place. His urge to reach out to the other despite them having parted ways months ago, despite Toru having treated him like shit, was probably the most pathetic thing.  
  
_“My dear Takahiro,  
  
__I hope you aren’t thinking of me as I am writing this. I hope you’re doing fine, or at least better than I am. I hope you were able to move one from me, build up a new life without my toxic influence. I pray for your happiness, I pray for your ability to laugh to always keep on living.  
  
__Today I turned 29 years old. I had actually imagined myself to be married to you before I turned 30. We talked about this so often...how our perfect marriage would be like. I still remember the sparkle in your eyes when you told me about wanting to hold our ceremony at a Hawaiian beach and how I immediately agreed to it because it was just so you. We imagined ourselves wearing suits, me in black and you in white. We imagined ourselves promising each other to always love them, in good and in bad times. We imagined ourselves exchanging rings as we were crying tears of happiness. We imagined ourselves loving each other the night after our marriage in a way we never had before - as husband and husband. We imagined travelling the world for our honeymoon, showing everyone our love. We speculated about all these things and you looked so happy, my darling. When you giggled after I pulled you close and kissed your forehead, when you laughed after I started tickling you. I miss you so much, my dear Takahiro.”  
  
_ Taka pressed a hand on his mouth, trying to hold back his whimpers as tears continuously fell from his eyes. He could still see them in front of him, lying in their bed with him resting his head on Toru’s chest. The younger would caress his lower back by stroking small circles onto his skin and he would plant little pecks on Toru’s collarbone now and then, smiling whenever he told him how much he loved him. Taka saw them fantasising about their marriage, where and how they would get promised to one another. Toru had dreamt of a traditional Japanese wedding, he'd always had that cultural awareness, this certain pride of being Japanese. Taka on the other hand had wanted them to get married overseas, having fallen in love with the Hawaiian beaches. Looking back it was quite ironic now, that the one of them that had been scared of society's judgement had been in for a marriage in a conservative country.  
  
“When exactly did you get married?” Taka almost choked on his own words but still wasn't able to take his eyes off the display. He'd hated Toru for the past four years, he had assumed the younger had entirely cut him out of his life, being done with him and not caring at all anymore. He had expected the other to be happy, he had expected him to live in a happy relationship, this was Toru Yamashita after all. A gorgeous man, a person he had never thought he deserved, not even during the last years of their relationship. Toru had saved him at the age of 17 and ever since that day there bad been the fear of being left behind again because after all that seemed to happen to Taka quite frequently.  
  
“Last year. June 6th.” Taka scrolled through the drafts, tried to ignore all the messages that he would most likely never get to read. He wanted to know every single word his former guitarist had directed at him, but they did not have enough time. They never had.  
  
_“Taka,  
  
__I am getting married today. To be honest I'll probably think this is only a dream until the very last minute because never in my life have I imagined myself getting promised to someone else but you. Until the very last minute I'll think it's you that will soon come up the stairs, holding your father's hand.  
  
__I've never told you this but when I visited your family together with you a long time ago, your father thanked me for having made you join the band. He said I was the influence he'd always wanted you to have and asked me never to leave your side and to have an eye over you. I'm sure he did not know about us, but I'm also sure he wouldn't have been against us. I'm sorry I could not keep my promise. Neither to him nor to you. You deserve someone that looks out for you and would do everything for the sake of your happiness. I'm sorry I could not be that someone.  
  
__Sometimes I ask myself what would have happened if I had been brave enough. I've been trying to forget about us, about everything we had, everything we were, but I can't. There are scars all over my body, those places where you once touched me. Nobody can see them but I know of their existence and whenever I look into the mirror I am reminded of their presence.  
  
__I'm getting married today. I should not be thinking of you, I should not even be writing this, but I feel like I'll lose my sanity if I stopped talking to you like this.”  
  
_ Taka’s tears blurred his vision, droplets that had fallen onto the phone's screen had made certain characters unreadable, leaving room for interpretation that the former vocalist did not want himself to get offered.  
  
He'd imagined Toru getting married so often before, but always with a taste of hate in the back of his mouth because the younger had cut ties with him so easily, not having cared about what would happen to Taka at all. Taka had assumed Toru had completely forgotten about him after all those years, only mentioning him in conversations about the band he had once been part of. But imagining him getting promised to someone while he thought of him, while he imagined Taka standing next to him in front of the altar, made him want to throw up. They'd been ready, they had wanted to get married, buy their own house, found their own family and get old together. They'd been ready. Or so Taka had thought.  
  
One last mail. He'd read one last mail.  
  
Scrolling to the top, Taka clicked on the draft from 18 hours ago - the most recent one.  
  
_“Taka,  
  
__I'm scared of meeting you. Not because of your reaction and all the insults you are going to throw at me, I know they'll come, I'm even expecting you to kick me out of your apartment right away. My wife asked me why I was so nervous about our encounter and I said that it was because I did not know how much you had changed. She answered that change was a normal thing, something all of us go through and that I shouldn't be too worried because after all I had changed too. Of course I am aware of that, I'm not looking like that 25 years old blonde rocker anymore and I'm not thinking his way anymore either. We were so naive back then, Taka, assuming we had all the possibilities in the world.  
  
__I've heard from Ryota and Tomoya that you suffer from depressions again since quite awhile now. They say it's pretty bad and I don't know what to expect, Taka.  
  
__I'll visit you to tell you something important in hopes that you'll finally be free after hearing about it. I know I am a sadistic asshole for telling you personally, but I need to see you one last time. I need to see how much of what everyone says about your condition is true. Coming by or not, you'll hate me either way, so I have nothing to lose anymore. I've lost everything that's ever been dear to me four years ago.”  
  
_ “I've thought of you everyday, Taka,” Toru spoke up and finally Taka looked up again, looked at Toru whose eyes were red and swollen, matching his own, and cheeks wetted by salty tears that had started to fall without Taka having noticed a thing. The phone slid out of Taka's hand, dropped to the floor where it stayed ignored by the two men that now stared at each other as they cried tears they had held back for such a long time.  
  
“Everyday, Taka,” Toru continued and carefully took a step towards the elder who did not flinch, did not move a single centimetre but welcomed the hand that found its way to his cheek, leaning into the warm touch that he’d had to sleep without for years. He whimpered. “And I have never ever stopped loving you.”  
  
Taka crumbled, fell apart underneath the palm of Toru’s hand. He grabbed for the younger's slender fingers and held onto them as if his life depended on the steadiness they managed to give. Taka had never forgotten how those words sounded like, coming from Toru. He'd tried to get over them, over the melody he still heard in his head of the deep baritone whispering into his ear how beautiful he was. Taka had tried to forget about the moments they'd been in when Toru had directed those three words at him.  
  
When they had finished their live at Budokan in 2010 where they had made one huge step towards their dream, Toru had said he loved him for the first time. The younger had been high on adrenaline and enthusiasm after having felt what thousands of people cheering for them all at once felt like and how much they would actually be able to achieve if they continued to walk on the road they had been moving on at that time. They'd tasted blood that night, all of them.  
  
Toru had hugged Taka behind the stage, laughing and crying at the same time, and Taka had returned that strange mixture of emotions while staring into Toru’s eyes that had sparkled in excitement.  
  
And then and there, completely ignorant of all the people around them, Toru had blurted out that he loved Taka.  
  
They said that children and drunk people told the truth and in that moment, all sweaty and exhausted, Taka had decided for himself that Toru had been absolutely drunk on emotions and had therefore dared to believe his words, had dared to believe his leader returned the feelings that he had felt for him since a long time already.  
  
He had not regretted his decision. He had not regretted a single thing for 6 years.  
  
“Why,” Taka began, feeling his legs becoming weaker and weaker under the little weight of his body. “Why are you telling me this now, Toru, why now?” Hating Toru was painful, it was against any kind of ideal Taka had ever lived with, it felt wrong and unfair and so so many nights Taka had lain in bed, crying his eyes out because he could not accept that he had to feel this way towards the other now. However, hating Toru was still easier than knowing he still loved him because despite his best efforts, despite considering everyday what the former ONE OK ROCK leader had done to him, Taka had not been able to get over his love for him. And it had started to kill him inside. Everyday a little more.  
  
Carefully Toru stroked a tear that was rolling down Taka’s cheek away with his thumb. He was crying himself but could not bear to see Taka like this. And knowing he was the reason, knowing he had always been the reason, made him want to drop to his knees and scream until there was no voice to scream with anymore.  
  
He gulped. He'd wanted to spill the truth, he'd wanted Taka to know it all but it was so hard, so hard to focus when the elder looked at him like this.  
  
“Toru, why did you not come to me with this when I needed you the most?” Taka's hand was shaking when it reached up to grab the collar of Toru’s black shirt. He wanted to move away but decided to maintain his posture while tears continuously fell from his eyes, just like they fell from Taka’s. “Why did you have to wait for four fucking years?! If you had told me this a few years ago, you would probably still have been able to save me from myself!” Toru's chest felt so tight and he feared he might soon not be able to properly breathe anymore. It was as if the worries’ weight that he had tried to ignore for years now rested on his ribcage, ever so present and ever so impossible to overlook. He wanted to throw up.  
  
“If you had been honest with me years ago, Toru, I would not be this broken today!” As soon as Taka had raised his voice it broke again, various times, as he stumbled through the sentences. Toru bit his lip until he tasted blood - hearing Taka like this felt like a knife that had been stabbed right into his heart. The man in front of him, that had both his hands buried in the fabric of his shirt now, looked and sounded so different from the person Toru had loved with every fibre of his being for years, and yet he knew this was still Takahiro Moriuchi, his first love.  
  
Taka was screaming at him and if he could he would probably punch his face until it bled, Toru was convinced of that, yet the elder looked at him through eyes that still seemed to see what had made Taka initially fall for him. There was no way Toru could pinpoint what it was, because whenever he looked into the mirror he saw nothing but a disgusting coward.  
  
“You're not broken,” Toru whispered helplessly, not knowing if it even was the truth. Maybe a part of him was still denying what he had done to Taka, maybe he had just reacted out of instinct. A typical meaningless phrase, just like 'my deepest condolences’ whenever someone had passed away.  
  
“Are you actually serious? Toru look around you, you already pointed out the mess. Look at me, look how wrecked I am. You fucking wrecked me, Toru, and my never ending love for you finally killed me.” Taka stepped back and Toru contemplated whether he should follow him or let go. He grabbed for Taka's arm, felt how slim the wrist actually was and how easily he could wrap his fingers around it.  
  
“Tell me what you had to go through because of me. I wanna know how much I made you suffer. Every ugly detail.” There lay so much pain in Taka’s expression, and so much fear of being rejected again because their reality was ugly and was nothing like the love-filled everyday life they had once had.  
  
Taka gasped when Toru stepped closer and leaned down. He whined when their foreheads touched, being too overwhelmed by the intimacy he hadn't felt anything of in so long. The petite body was shaking, slowly losing all the strength that was left behind underneath Taka's skin that had lost its tan over the years of isolation. Taka leaned into the warmth that Toru gave off, a sensation he had never forgotten but missed everyday. He would always curl against the younger in their bed, especially during the winter months, happily humming when Toru wrapped his arm around him to warm him since Taka froze quite easily.  
  
They had been like ice and fire. The exact opposite of each other but still perfectly working together.  
  
Taka sobbed and his warm tears rolled over Toru's hands that he had placed on his cheeks. “Showing you everything wouldn't even come close to making you understand how much I actually suffered.” He closed his eyes because it was too hard to look at Toru all of a sudden. He saw the man that he had fallen in love with in those dark orbs that lay behind neatly cleaned lenses, an innocent soul that would have never dared to hurt him. Feeling the pain with all his senses was like a punch in his stomach wherefore he had to avert his eyes. Taka had imagined so many times in what kind of ways he'd scream at Toru and tell him how much he had ruined him. In his imagination he had hit the other's face, made his nose bleed, made him feel weak under his hateful stare. But in his imagination Toru had not been gentle, he had not touched Taka as if he was the most precious thing Toru had ever laid eyes on. And most important: Toru had not loved him in those fantasies.  
  
“Takahiro, please,” Toru begged and Taka felt the younger's breath against his lips that were dry and rough now, the skin there coming off like rose petals after one had forgotten about watering the flower. “I want to know it all. I came here to tell you my truth, I beg you, tell me yours as well.” Their lips were so close, only a few centimetres separating them - a distance they both knew they should not close.  
  
“My truth,” Taka repeated and actually laughed. “It's ugly and pathetic. Nothing more. It will forever change the way you look at me and probably the way you look at yourself too. Toru, I wanted to show you what you did to me, I wanted to see you suffer just like you had made me suffer.” Taka wanted to lean in, he wanted to lean in more than anything else in the world. Kiss Toru, finally feel that prickling sensation against his lips again. But this was not his man anymore, so he just stared into the dark irises that he would still do everything for. That's how deep he was. “You are an asshole and a coward and I will never forget what you did to me,” Taka continued and carefully traced along Toru's neck, caressed the skin with the tips of his fingers. “But I don't want to make you suffer anymore. You don't need to see and know it all. You have a wife now and a functional life without me being part of it, and whether your heart is hers or not, you married this woman and should be the best husband you can be to her. That's why I am asking you to leave now. Please.”  
  
Again, Taka's eyes told a different story than his mouth and it was difficult for Toru to even follow his words when the elder's gaze was pleading and so longing. If Toru had been a smart man he would have accepted Taka's offer, would have said his goodbye and then left the apartment without looking back one more time. He would never know what Taka had gone through after their breakup and would therefore not blame himself for whatever had happened to the other for the rest of his life. He would be able to go home, tell his wife about their encounter and pretend everything went well.  
  
However, Toru was not a smart man.  
  
“No,” he simply said before carefully taking Taka's hand in his, the elder's fingers now cold in his grasp. Taka already inhaled to stress his point again, but Toru continued. “I'll leave the city soon and I don't know if we'll ever meet again. Of course I could just leave and not ask you about what had happened so I'd never be confronted with my mistakes ever again, but I'm tired of running away. You're right, I may look at myself differently after knowing the truth, but that's exactly what I want.” Toru bit his lip to suppress a whimper. His eyes burned and he could already feel a headache announcing itself behind his forehead. Taka's fingers felt so fragile in his palm, and so foreign. “Whatever I do I will never ever be able to leave you behind, Takahiro. I tried, with everything I had, but it's not working. I want to know what I have to take responsibility for, I want to know in every single detail how badly I fucked up. Because blaming myself for the rest of my life is what I aim for, it is what I deserve for having let go of the love of my life.” He felt Taka tightening his grasp around his fingers at his last words.  
  
When the elder let go of him Toru's first intention was to keep him in place, not to let go of the petite body its presence he had missed for so long, but he stood still when he realised what Taka was about to do. Insecure eyes looked into his, swollen and red and so anxious of what would happen next. Toru felt his breathing going faster, his hands becoming sweaty. Slowly Taka pulled up the grey pullover that he'd been wearing ever since Toru had entered his apartment, pulled it over his head and finally exposed his entire body, now standing in front of Toru in nothing more than his underwear. The fabric fell to the ground and Toru's eyes went wide, his mouth dry. Silence filled the room and the two men merely stared at each other.  
  
Toru had been right about how skinny Taka had assumingly become over the years but seeing that it was actually true was way more of a shock than a cause of satisfaction for his right guess. The former vocalist had always had very present collarbones, they had formed a pretty V right below his neck, but now, additionally to that, one could see every single rib as they pressed against his skin from underneath, mercilessly exposing his lean built. Taka's hip bones stuck out due to all the weight he had lost, the black briefs barely staying in place. Toru still remembered the baby fat he'd once had there, that had made all those tight jeans look extraordinarily good on Taka's legs. Now he feared even the slim fit would look loose on the others’ legs.  
  
Examining the other further, Toru noticed that Taka had lost the muscles on his arms too. Back then he and Toru had used to regularly hit the gym together to shape their bodies. Strengthening themselves for their energetic performances had been their original intention but they had soon found out that building up muscles for visual reasons, particularly for each other, had been a way bigger motivation. They had followed their workout routine for a few years, eventually resulting in nicely shaped arms and chests, especially on Toru, although the changes on Taka's body had been noticeable too. However, of all those modifications Toru could not see anything anymore. Taka’s arms now were lanky and seemed unproportionally long hanging next to his bony upper body and thin thighs. His edgy shoulders were ever so present, the bones throwing shadows onto the light skin.  
  
And yet, despite all those alarming changes he'd already seen in the appearance of Taka, Toru only felt as if his knees would actually give in any second when his eyes rested on Taka’s left arm that dangled next to his body as if the elder didn’t know what else to do with it. Toru pressed a hand on his mouth to suppress a shocked gasp. There were scars on Taka’s arm, most of them already healed, having left behind light lines that stood out against his skin as the wounds had closed again. Toru remembered the darkness Taka had moved in when he had first met him, in a time where the elder had been unable to see the light and had been without any hopes and ambitions, and Toru remembered Taka having those tendencies, however never acting upon them.  
  
“Taka…,” he began, without even knowing what to say. There stood Takahiro Moriuchi in front of him; a former national superstar, an idol young people had once looked up to, a brother, a son, a friend - the person that had once been his fiancé. Now skinny, lined through pain, dull eyes and with scars on his arm their backstory Toru did not dare to imagine. His mouth felt dry as he just stood there, staring at the man that had erstwhile been his ray of sunshine. Now broken.  
  
“This is what you did to me, Toru. After you left...I tried to reach out to you, so many times, only to get rejected again and again. It felt like you stabbed my chest. And every unanswered call was another stab into my flesh,” Taka began, tracing along the scars on his left arm that he knew Toru couldn’t take his eyes off of, they were simply too present. “I stayed in our apartment for a few months after our breakup, in hopes of you returning to me. Do you know how tremendously huge an apartment that you have lived in with someone else for years feels like when that someone leaves? It did not even feel like my home anymore. I sat there on the floor day in day out, staring at the apartment door, praying you’d open it.  
  
“It was during that time that I started losing my sense for reality. You somehow forget about all kinds of things when you are in pain, you know. And I was. I cried so so much, forgot to eat, neglected my body hygiene, eventually missed the deadlines for my bills.” Someone screamed on the street, interrupting the silence that ruled in Taka’s living room. Toru feared that even the sound of his own breathing might break the very thin layer of glass he and Taka were standing on. “After 2 months or something I got thrown out of our apartment, I had already started to drink at that point. You know how happy and smiley I had always become whenever I had a few drinks? I had hoped for the same effect but of course it did not work. Quite the opposite actually since I fell back into depression.” Depressions never really ended, Toru had learned over the years of living with Taka. They were always there, lingering in the dark. Although Taka had silenced his demons after he’d joined ONE OK ROCK in his teenage years, Toru had also experienced days where the elder had not been able to find the motivation to do anything. They had been rare and he could probably count them only using his fingers, but they had been there.  
  
“Taka, I…” Toru felt like saying something, anything, but could not come up with the right words. Again. His expression must have looked very helpless because Taka averted his eyes and considered the broken frames that lay on the floor behind him instead.  
  
“I took things with me. That’s how desperate I was. Mostly pictures of us. I hung them up and looked at them, remembered how happy we had been. You probably think that I have lost my sanity now, and to be honest I don’t even think you’re wrong with that anymore, but having something, no matter what it was, of us with me made me get up in the morning, it was the little hope that was still left inside of me. The grey pullover is yours too, the only thing you left behind when you moved out. I’m sorry for wearing it, you can take it with you again if you want.” Taken aback, Toru looked at the bundle of grey fabric that had found its way next to Taka’s feet. He did not remember the garment but he did remember Taka wearing his clothes whenever he could. He had said they gave him a sense of comfort, having Toru’s smell around him had apparently always calmed him down. Though Toru was sure that pullover did not smell like him anymore since a long time already, Taka still wore it. Because it was the only thing that he still had of him.  
  
“Alcohol did not make me happy but it helped numbing my body for a while so I continued drinking until one day some kid offered me something else in a dark alley. Funny right? The guy that always wore those cool expensive tank tops with things about drugs being written on them falling into addiction.” Taka smiled but tears still fell from his eyes. It was no pretty smile, rather a grimace that screamed for help, and Toru wanted to help so badly after having missed to do so for years. He hated himself, and with every word that left Taka’s mouth he despised his own existence more and more.  
  
“What did you take?” Toru managed to whisper, his voice shaking, his hands tensing and relaxing continuously. Taka met his gaze and went silent for a few seconds.  
  
“Everything,” he eventually answered and only from the corner of his eye Toru noticed how Taka rubbed the scars on his arm. “Everything I got my hands on. I smoked weed and all the other cheap shit you get for only a little money. I don’t even know what I bought, I was just glad I had something I could numb my body with, but whatever it was...it eventually ruined my voice.” Taka sobbed, rubbed his eyes and Toru wished he was able to move and hug him, because that’s what he wanted to do ever since he’d first seen what a miserable condition Taka was in, but he was too scared of crossing that line. “After losing you I managed to lose the only other thing that had been dear to me. So here I am, a singer that cannot even sing anymore.” The smile on Taka’s face grew wider, showing how helpless the other really was by now. He seemed so pained and Toru could only imagine what despair the other must have gone through without having had anyone around him for comfort.  
  
“When I realised that smoking all that shit was no good I asked around for alternatives. I was just so lost, I did not know what I was doing. Being high had turned into normality, I felt like I would not make it through the day without having a jolt.”  
  
“A jolt,” Toru repeated without having intended to do so. His eyes widened when Taka turned his arm so he could see its inside. Countless tiny scars created a pattern on Taka’s skin, some of them healed, others relatively fresh, judged by their red outlines. Most of them centered in the crook of his arm. “Is that-”  
  
“Heroin.” They fell silent and Toru just stared at Taka. He’d seen the syringes lying around, he had known they had no medical purpose but he had hoped that whatever the other injected into his veins was something less dangerous. So he just stared, unable to do something else, barely able to process all the information Taka offered him here. “Shit’s expensive and I cannot always afford it but it definitely does its job in distracting me from you.”  
  
“How could nobody...I mean…,” Toru stammered and was ashamed of himself for not being able to properly speak. He had spoken so confidently about wanting to know about all that had happened to Taka but now he could merely form a sentence with his mouth feeling dry and his chest as if it’s about to explode.  
  
“They knew, of course they did. Ryota and Tomoya tried their best, really. They took care of me, visited me and checked how I was doing. They did grocery shopping for me when I was unable to leave my apartment, and even somehow managed to feed me when all I wanted to do was to die from starvation.” The smaller man sobbed and Toru choked on his own breath. “They did their best, really, but you know, getting some pills from a psychiatrist does not really do much when you have no motivation to get better. I flushed them down the toilet the same day.” Helplessly, Taka rubbed the tears from his cheeks only to have new droplets fall from his eyes the next second.  
  
“Did you ever do something?” The warm summer rain that had started to pour down stayed unnoticed by the two men but still managed to fill the silence that lay in the room like a veil.  
  
Taka considered Toru for a few long seconds before he slowly turned around, taking small steps with his thin legs, until Toru saw his arm, all the tattoos Taka had gotten over the years of the band touring the world. There was the triangle with the all-seeing eye inside of it, the brain, the question mark, the feather, the two teeth, the LOVE and HATE hands, all the symbols Toru had been allowed to touch and kiss so often. However where the TTR tattoo had once been, now adorned a big scar Taka’s arm, the scarred skin completely covering the first T of the once iconic tattoo. Toru’s initial.  
  
“On some days I would miss you less, then I would be able to take a shower and wash my clothes, sometimes even leave the apartment. On others the yearning of my heart would hardly be bearable, then I would not even get out of bed or collapse on the sofa as soon as I tried to do something. Usually I would drink extraordinarily much on those days to make the pain in my chest go away but on that particular day even that wasn’t enough, so I tried to get high enough to finally forget why I was crying.” Carefully, Taka circled the scar with his thumb.  
  
“Drugs do things to you, you become unpredictable and lose control, sometimes they keep you awake for days. I had expected my sadness to fade and be replaced by hallucinations or something that would distract me from you, but instead it turned into anger and then, when I saw myself in the mirror, I felt such a despite towards you being inked into my skin that I suddenly wanted to erase it all. I don’t know what I used, the memory is blurry, but they told me it had been a knife. I hit some important vein, and because I did not feel any pain at all due to the intoxication of my body I could not control the knife and how bad I was hurting myself. I just wanted the tattoo to be gone, you leaving was nothing I had control over but my body was still my business, and only if I wanted you to stay perpetuated on my skin you were allowed to. At least that’s what I thought.” They looked at each other for a moment before Taka continued.  
  
“Toru, I hated you so much, so endlessly much, for years. I did not even call the ambulance when I finally noticed that I had fucked up, I just did not care anymore. Maybe it was the drugs’ fault, maybe yours. I was just lying on the floor slowly passing out and not caring about what would happen to me. Saving a man who had already lost everything was pointless. Ryota and Tomoya found me just in time to get me to a hospital, if they had not decided to come by I would not be standing here now. So yes, I almost killed myself once, but it had not been planned.” When Taka whined into the silence as those dark memories flooded his mind again, Toru finally let go of his fears, let go of the doubt that had kept him in place before, and urged forward.  
  
Taka felt so fragile in his arms, the petite body shaking immensely and his broken voice sobbing into the fabric of Toru’s shirt. Tears wetted the younger’s cheeks when he slowly leaned down and buried his nose in the thick curls of the man he had once loved with his entire being - the man he had lost his heart to almost 20 years ago. Taka still smelled like himself, a scent that reminded Toru of their long lost home, a fragrance he had almost forgotten over the years of their separation. The tickling sensation on his cheeks was all too familiar, and he would have laughed at it if the situation had been different. Then he would have kissed the other’s head, would have told him how much he meant to him and also that everything was going to be okay. But he couldn’t. He was in no position to do that anymore.  
  
Toru quietly sobbed into the mess of hair when Taka slowly wrapped his thin arms around him. He felt his fingers clawing into his shirt where they pulled on the garment as Taka cried against his shoulder while pressing his face into him. His tears were warm, his breath even hotter. And Toru pressed him against his figure, did not dare to let go, did not dare to loosen his grip on the elder because he was scared he’d fall apart as soon as he let go - again.  
  
“Don’t,” Toru started, squinting his eyes because the tears did not stop. “Don’t ever do that again.” His voice was nothing more than a whisper, a silent plea for the preservation of an existence he had long lost. An existence that did not know where to go anymore because of him. He had ruined this soul, he had broken this person. And he knew there was nothing he could do about it anymore.  
  
Taka looked up at Toru, cried openly into the otherwise silent room that was only occasionally filled by the sound of a thunder. The red carpet was likely to be wet by now, they had not closed the window yet, but then again they both could not care less. “Why, Toru, give me one single reason why I should not end it. Why should I not leave this world? Back then you were the one who gave me something to believe in and in return I gave you everything I had, and now I cannot get over you, I never will, do you understand?”  
  
Carefully, Toru leaned his forehead against Taka’s, considered those dark eyes for a few long seconds and watched the tears fall from the elder’s long eyelashes. “Because I love you,” he said, unintentionally pulling Taka closer. “Because I still love you so much.”  
  
“You were the one leaving.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“You were the one butting out of everything when shit was getting serious, Toru, you were the one scared of everyone’s reaction upon finding out you were gay.” Taka pressed closer into Toru, his body acting completely against what his mind was telling him and reminding him of. Whatever he did, whatever he tried, Toru had been his first love and he would be his last, a counterpart he would always and forever feel drawn to. “First you broke us, then we broke the band.”  
  
ONE OK ROCK had not worked anymore after their breakup. They had been completely out of synchronisation, and Taka had merely stood Toru’s presence during their rehearsals and planning for their coming album that had in the end never gotten released. “There’s nothing for me to accomplish anymore, Toru. I lost you, I lost the band, and finally I lost my voice.”  
  
Toru did not think when his hand cupped Taka’s cheek, his thumb carefully stroking away the trickle of water. “I have no right to ask you to do anything anymore, I know. I know it’s been my fault, I know everything’s been my fault but I don’t know what to do, Takahiro. I cannot make up for the past, although it is the only thing I wish for and the only thing that would actually be able to help you - help us. Wherever I go, I see you. Whatever I do, I think of you. I wake up wanting to be with you and I go to bed thinking the same thing. I fucked it up, Takahiro, I fucked it up so badly. I am so sorry, I don't even deserve to be here. I wanted to tell you to move on but in reality I myself have not even moved a single centimetre.”  
  
“Stay.” Toru opened his eyes that he had closed somewhere during his words that had been interrupted by sobs from both him and Taka. He felt the former vocalist pull on his shirt again when he moved closer, their noses touching, their lips only a few centimetres apart. They’d lose it. “Stay here with me, Toru. We’re not the naive little boys from back then anymore, we know how the world works and how cruel reality can be, we still have a chance, our love still has a chance. I’ll get out of this pit with you by my side, I did it once, I will succeed again, I promise. Just come back to me, please.”  
  
Toru was too taken aback by Taka’s words, his mouth opened but the words got stuck in his throat.  
  
“You do not love your wife, you do not have to move away with her. Why should we live a life we did not wish for when we could have each other? Things may not be easy, but they have never been anyway, so it doesn’t matter. Just, Toru, I need you. Because I love you. So please stay.” Taka crumbled in his arms, finally losing the last straw of composure he had been holding on, when his knees gave in and he sank to the floor, together with Toru. The rain felt too loud, the thunder like earthquakes. Toru could barely stand the pain in his chest, the noose that lay around his neck with him being his own hangman was ever too noticeable.  
  
He choked, whined in desperation and grabbed a handful of Taka’s curls that still felt so soft and silky in his grasp. “I want to do that. Leaving everything behind and coming back to you. Catching up on all the years we have lost and getting married at a beach, just like we had always imagined our ceremony to be because I still love you from the bottom of my heart.” Toru still owned the ring he had once bought for his proposal. He had not dared to give it away, it was like a lucky charm that reminded him of Takahiro Moriuchi who he would most likely never be able to be as close to as he once had been ever again. Because he was a coward, nothing more.  
  
“Will you come back to me then?” Taka clung onto him as if his life depended on Toru’s presence which it somehow really did, the younger noticed, biting his bottom lip. Being with Taka was everything he ever wanted. He’d fallen in love with the shy boy standing on that shabby stage back then on the spot, had done everything he could to get him into his band, and eventually into his life. His confession had been an accident but never a regret. The same night Taka had asked him to go out with him, try dating him and Toru had been the happiest man in the world when he had agreed to that suggestion, kissing the other’s soft lips for the first time in their hotel room. At the age of 21 Taka had been his first time with a man and at the age of 27 his last. They had wanted to get married, had planned to leave Japan and buy a house in LA where they would be able to go out without having to hide themselves from judging eyes. They had talked about adopting children, founding their own family. They had been invincible as long as they had each other’s back.  
  
However, one day Toru’s back had given in.  
  
Someone screamed on the street. “I can’t,” Toru whispered, almost choking on the two words that were so hard to speak out. “I can’t,” he repeated. “Because I have a daughter.” Everything fell silent at that moment. The sound of the rain stopped and no thunder interrupted them. No people on the street were screaming anymore and no honking of vehicles could be heard in the distance. The city fell silent and nature did not disturb them either. It was as if time had halted for them then and there, lost its function and was merely a name, a description for something abstract they could not comprehend with their simple minds. Realisation glimmered in Taka’s eyes for a split second, like a candle that finally burned out, before they went dull again, focused on anything but Toru. The men just silently held each other as one of them slowly came to understand the meaning that lay behind the statement he'd heard seconds ago.  
  
“I met my wife a few months after the band's disbandment and over the years we became close friends. She's a great person, really, funny and good at heart and she never wanted anything but the best for me. Unlike me, her feelings are honest, and although I had been aware of that I did not reject her back then,” Toru's voice was shaking as he explained, and only with much hesitance he started stroking Taka's cheek, ignored the tears that he would not be able to stop anyway. Taka listened, did not interrupt him, did not even make sounds. The world fell into pieces in front of him.  
  
“We were reckless and it just happened. A few weeks later she told me I had gotten her pregnant and after a long discussion we decided to get married. It sounds rushed and it totally was, but you don't have many options when someone is pregnant with your baby. I would never have proposed to her otherwise, there were no romantic feelings on my part. She however loved me and I did not want to see my child growing up without her dad, so marrying had been the smartest thing to do. I had thought about coming back to you, Taka, I had wanted to beg for a second chance because every day without you was mere torture, but leaving my child behind because of something that I had fucked up years ago was nothing I had been able to do. I have seen how much a person can suffer from a broken family.” Toru shuddered slightly when Taka let go of his shirt and placed one hand on his that was stroking the elder's cheek. There was no way the former vocalist had not understood he had been referring to him and his turbulent past.  
  
“How old is she?” Taka asked and Toru sucked in a breath.  
  
“Turning 1 in September,” he answered and saw Taka smile, actually smile, for the first since since he had come here. That heartwarming smile that he had fallen in love with, that he had been greeted with so many times after having woken up in the morning, and that smile that had always adorned Taka’s lips when he had confirmed his love for him.  
  
“How wonderful,” he said, tenderly stroking the back of Toru's hand with his thumb. “I'm happy for you, seriously. I know how much you've always wanted to have your own family. I'm sure you are a great father.” Taka was honest, his words upright sincere and it broke Toru's heart.  
  
“I'm so sorry.”  
  
“Somewhere in my heart I always knew we had no future, you know. I was always either exhaustingly outgoing or reserved and quiet for days, while you always represented the perfect calm anchor. Maybe that would have worked perfectly together, maybe we would have messed up in the end, we won't find out anymore. You always dreamt of having children, your own children, but I could not give you that. I'm problematic, Toru, maybe it's better like this.” Toru closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths. Taka's mood had entirely shifted, there was no anger lying in his expression anymore, just calmness and acceptance. For years he must have known that a reunion of them was close to impossible but there had still been that tiny gleam of hope that he had clung onto for the past four years.  
  
“How can this be better? I'll be leaving, we might never see each other again,” Toru said, sobbed when Taka cupped his face with his hands. “I had come here to tell you that I'd be moving away, so you could finally tear away from me, we both could. I had avoided contact for so long because what was I supposed to say? I have a daughter, I cannot come back to you just like that. Me just randomly dropping by would have completely broken us, and now look at me, sitting here with you on the floor after having done exactly that. I'll be gone, there's no way I can stay here in this city where everything reminds me of you, but I still needed to see you again, I'm selfish and an asshole. I'm so sorry.” Taka felt warm, his skin was soft under Toru’s touches and he never wanted to let go of it ever again. Their final separation was unavoidable and coming closer and closer, and it started to drive him crazy. The last thing he wanted to do was to leave Taka behind. Again.  
  
“We were not meant to be, that's all. The world had always been against us, shouldn't we be used to it by now?” Taka was still crying but the tears fell from his lashes ever so quietly. He looked beautiful in his very own way like this. But then again Taka always looked beautiful. Even now. “Don't let go of your love for me, Toru, there is so much of it inside of you, don't waste it on someone that will not receive it anymore.” Gently, Taka stroked Toru's chest where his heart was located, beating behind his ribcage. “Give all that love to your daughter and raise her to be the happiest girl there is. Make room in your heart for her and let go of me. Promise me, Toru.” Taka smiled, honest and bright. Tears falling, voice breaking various times, but with a smile on his beautiful lips. Toru nodded before taking Taka's hand in his and holding it up, gently placing a kiss on its back.  
  
“I promise you. She will be the happiest girl in the world and become a just and joyful person, just like Uncle Takahiro had been.” Toru returned Taka's smile. He would let go of the person that meant everything to him but he would not let go of his stories, of who he was. His daughter would grow up learning about Takahiro as someone who had never given up and had always fought back, no matter how dark the times he had gone through had been. She would grow up learning this man had always managed to encourage everyone and revive their hopes. How he had been the most loyal and kindest person Toru had ever known. And ever loved.  
  
“Uncle Takahiro sounds wonderful,” Taka said and watched Toru place little pecks on his hand, every touch setting his skin on fire. He thought he had become numb to affection when in reality it seemed as if he had never been more sensitive to it. “Can I ask for one last selfish favour?” Toru looked up and considered Taka.  
  
“Anything you want, my darling,” Toru whispered and Taka laughed at the nickname. He didn't even stop smiling when he rubbed his swollen eyes before looking at Toru again. It had been so long since he’d been called that. So long, he had never thought he would ever hear it again.  
  
Carefully Taka took off the other's pair of glasses before setting them aside on the floor, examining Toru through thick curls that needed to be cut. One day. Maybe.  
  
“Let me pretend it's you. The you from back then. Short hair, no glasses, but with this crazy determination to have me in his band, okay?” Feathery he let his fingers ghost along Toru's jawline, feeling underneath his fingertips where the younger had not shaved properly enough. “Let me pretend it's us from back then. When everything was still alright. When we were still alright. One last time, yes?” Toru couldn't form any words, his voice was stuck in his throat and Taka showing him all this affection now made him feel almost dizzy. He just looked at the elder, unable to do anything else, looked into those beautiful dark brown eyes he would never forget, no matter what happened to him from now on. They belonged to a broken person, a person who had deserved the world but who the world had loaded nothing but pain onto.  
  
Toru was overwhelmed by emotions when Taka leaned in. His lips felt no different from the last time they had kissed, they still gave in without effort, warm and soft and so perfect against his own. Toru closed his eyes and decided to forget about the world around them when he wrapped his arm around Taka's waist, stroked with the other through dark curls that he had always loved to play with.  
  
They should not do this, they both knew. It would do nothing but harm in the end because they had to break away at one point or another, finally let go and never look back. Yet Toru leaned into the kiss, recognised Taka's fragrance that engulfed him like a sweet lullaby, small hands that caressed his cheeks and of course those lips that moved against his as if not a single day had gone by since their last time.  
  
The kiss was sweet and innocent, an exchange of love and affection they would never be able to share again, they both knew at least that much.  
  
“I love you,” Toru whispered, immediately catching the other pair again. He knew that as soon as he'd sit in his car he would bawl his eyes out, hit the steering wheel, finally realising that he would probably never see Taka again, and kissing him was no help to both of them, it was only one step closer to their forlornness. Yet they couldn't let go, could not let their love slip through their fingers like sand when they were sitting in front of each other. The moment would pass, this day would go by and eventually everything would have to carry on. Their lives were no exceptions.  
  
“I love you too. And I always will. Remember me, Toru.” Taka leaned his forehead against Toru's after their kiss had ended, high on emotions.  
  
“Tell me one last thing,” Toru asked and Taka looked up. “Where did those scars come from?” Gently, the younger let his fingers wander over the uneven skin on Taka's lower arm. The healed scars like little bumps under his touches. Taka kissed him again. A quick peck, nothing more.  
  
“' _A man may fall many times, but he won't be a failure until he says that someone pushed him_ ’,” he quoted the tattoo that had once adorned his arm where now all the scars formed a grotesque pattern. “I told myself you pushed me and was ashamed of myself. I felt like I did not deserve wearing this anymore, so I injured myself in order to destroy the tattoo, that's all.” Toru did not hesitate for a second when he carefully brought his lips to the abused skin and kissed along the dark letters that he could still see most of. He was responsible for this, he was responsible for everything Taka had gone through and no matter what he did, he would not be able to make up for it. Their time was almost up.  
  
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.  
  
“I'm just thinking, what if things had been different? What if we had never met, would we both be happy with someone else today? Or still look for each other? What if you had been brave enough back then and we had gotten married? What if your wife had not gotten pregnant, would you have come back then?” Slowly, Taka let go of him, placed his glasses back on Toru's nose and rose from the floor. It had stopped raining. The carpet was wet, just as predicted.  
  
“Will we meet again?” Toru asked when he followed suit, standing up and noticing how much taller and broader he actually was compared to Taka. He had always been but had still almost forgotten how big their size difference really was over the years. Taka sobbed as he shook his head. Long curls flying and Toru realised this was the last time he'd see this certain scenario.  
  
“No, we won't. Don't contact me, I don't want to be reminded of what could have been anymore. Let me be selfish for once,” Taka said and approached Toru again. “Let your daughter know about me, please. And that although we never met I loved her from the bottom of my heart and that I wanted her to become a strong and independent woman.” Toru nodded, whined when Taka cupped his face one more time.  
  
“Thank you for coming, Toru, seriously. We may have no future but we have a wonderful and exciting past to look back on. You saved me when no one else believed in me, you gave me hope and something to believe in, and the years with ONE OK ROCK were the best years of my life and I will always, always cherish them and hold them close to my heart.” Their goodbye was approaching at an alarming pace and Toru wasn't ready, but then again he'd never be.  
  
“Thank you for loving me,” Taka continued and Toru pressed a hand on his mouth to suppress a cry. “You showed me so many things that I had not been aware of before and I will never forget the things you did for me. You will not be remembered as someone who ran off but rather as someone who was brave enough to come back. Thank you for having faith in me and thank you for those years that I had been allowed to spend by your side.” Their time was up, there was no going back anymore. For years Toru had lived by the thought of there being a tomorrow, a potential day where he could call Taka, message him. Now there was no tomorrow anymore, this was their last day. Their last kiss. Their final goodbye.  
  
When Taka asked Toru for the key he had sent him years ago he returned it without questioning him. In return he received the grey pullover that Taka would not wear anymore. Toru would not come to this apartment anymore. He would not see the person living here anymore. He had missed his chance, maybe they both had. Taka had mentioned once that he had read about the existence of alternative universes and Toru wondered why he remembered this now as he held the elder in his arms for the last time, crying into Taka’s hair. Maybe in another universe, a different world, they were happy together. He wished for this from the bottom of his heart.  
  
“Promise me you won't do anything stupid, Takahiro,” he begged, placing Taka's hand between his. One last kiss was placed on the white knuckles as he stood on the threshold. Soon gone, never to be coming back again. The elder just smiled and leaned up to kiss him one last time, merely touching the outer corner of his lips. So lightly it was barely noticeable.  
  
“I'm not making promises I cannot keep, you know that.” Toru's eyes widened but he couldn't form an answer.  
  
“Thank you for everything, Toru.”  
  
One last time Toru let his hand brush through those thick strands, knowing he would not do so ever again.  
  
“Be happy and successful, and raise your daughter well.”  
  
Not anymore.  
  
“And don’t ever forget about me.”  
  
Because their time was finally up.

 


End file.
